To be okay with myself.
Who knew that that's all it would take. The phrase sounds so incredibly simple and straightforward, but no matter what anyone said or how many treatment centers I was admitted into, no matter what anyone told me, my eating disorder was so compelling that I couldn't resist the urges. The urges to stop eating, chug caffeine, to pop pills, to chug water, to spit, to purge, to run, to exercise violently.
It's crazy how grounded I feel when I feel okay with myself.
To be with okay with myself means that I deserve food, I deserve rest, my desires and needs are just as important as anyone else's, I deserve nice things, my preferences matter, and many other simple yet revolutionary actions. When I'm okay with myself, it means that even if others aren't eating - even if others are acting destructively - I can actively choose to stay grounded in what I know is best for me and act accordingly. When I'm okay with myself, it means that even if others exercise, I don't need to - because I am okay as I am.
Today, I had a moment when I re-experienced the freedom that comes with not only being okay with myself, but acting from this place of spontaneity. To value myself enough to choose to eat that donut or cake when it's appetizing to me without counting numbers, fearing consequences, or planning compensatory actions.
There is a freedom that comes with spending time with people who are in a similar mindset. I call these resulting activities and connecting moments "life-y." There is so much freedom when you are standing around with your friends and someone wants to buy some chips, and everyone snacks together. There is so much freedom when you are lying around with your best friends, drinking wine and snacking on chips, hummus, and chocolate. These are beautiful moments of my life that I value and will remember. These are the beautiful moments that are free from numbers, rules, restrictions, anxiety, and fear. These moments are what I want my life to comprise of.
There is an awkward tension in the air when one person refuses to join in on the "life-y" activities, and it almost takes away from the experience as a whole. Being in such an appearance-centric society, it's almost impossible to not have body image issues. Everyone wants to change something about their bodies, but for someone to act in a way that (though might not be productive or healthy) lies in accordance with these ideals, makes it harder for you to stay grounded in yourself and act differently.
When I started experiencing more of these life-filled moments of spontaneity, it made engaging in this way in the future easier. Like strengthening any muscle, acting from a place of self love takes practice and requires regular practice in order to grow. Every time I am experiencing freedom by being in the present moment, it becomes easier and easier to act "life-y" in the future. Every time I re-experience the freedom of living in this way, the more I see how damn worth it it is.