Staying In My Lane
I can't take your pain away.
I can't make you love yourself.
I can't make you want to love yourself.
No one took my pain away.
No one made me love myself.
I am constantly learning how to stay in my lane, to take care of myself, and not to take responsibility for other people's problems or pain. In the same way I had to fight to get to where I am today, I am constantly reminded of how everyone is responsible for themselves.
No one can save me.
No one can heal me.
My immediate tendency is to take someone's pain away from them. To make them feel better, to change their mindset, or to push them to behave in a healthy way. Seeing my loved ones hurt hurts me, and I want nothing more than to take that pain and put it on myself.
But that is not my job. That is not my responsibility. That is not my right.
My fight to get where I am today made me stronger. It made me self aware. It made me resilient and empowered. I can't take that opportunity away from others, in the same way no one could have taken it away from me.
Through the darkness, I was able to find a light within me that pushed me to keep fighting. In the depths of my own self-loathing hell, I was able to find softness and self compassion that is so authentic and genuine no one can take that away from me. In the pain of my deepest insecurities, I was able to be grounded in my sense of self and feel empowered and strong.
Facing my demons head on, looking at the abuse I repeated to myself every second of every day, and building up the courage and strength to stand up to it all made me who I am today. I had the opportunity to learn about the way my mind works, recognize and acknowledge destructive behavioral patterns I was engaging in, and created space in which I could choose to act counter-normatively. It took months, and arguably even years, to develop these new patterns of mindfulness. It took an entire lifetime of self loathing and hatred to make me want to act differently and constantly choose a better life for myself. To constantly choose to create a better relationship with myself, for myself. From the depths of my own personal hell, I was able to conjure up the desperation to relearn how to do life. I had to relearn how relationships work, how my mind works, who I am, and what I value. I had to learn how to listen to myself, to value my opinions, and to put myself first. I had to learn how to accept myself, to take care of myself, and to want a better life for myself. No one could have made me want to do these things, and I am learning that I can't instill that same drive in others. That is their responsibility, their lane, and their life.
It's hard when you love someone so much you hurt when they hurt. It's hard when you cry because they cry. Sometimes it's so hard to love someone so much that your heart breaks with them.
But, I am learning how to stay in my lane and only take care and responsibility of myself and my actions.