Today I was asked what my painful emotions would say if it could speak. I was asked to have a conversation with my pain, my guilt, my shame. I decided to personify my emotions in this piece of free writing to explore what weighs so heavily on my mind.
Pain
Everything hurts. Everything hurts because I am not enough as I am. Everyone is smarter, more beautiful, talented, loved than I am. I need to work extra hard to be on the same plane as everyone else. I cannot handle uncertainty and will do anything I can to feel safe in certainty. If I miss a workout, I am a failure. If I eat when I intend on restricting, whether it is a small snack or a meal, I am a failure. I am only safe or alright, temporarily, when I follow through with my intentions. When I restrict more than I intend on doing so, when I exercise excessively, when I avoid situations altogether, I am proud of myself in the most fucked up way possible.
No one gets me. I am alone and no one loves me. No one cares about me or sees my struggles. No one can see how much I am hurting and how far I've already come. No one recognizes the hell I've gone through, and no one is validating my pain.
Insecurity
As I am, I am not worthy of love or connection. I am not beautiful enough for someone to lay eyes on, and I am inferior than everyone around me. I need to work extra hard, and subject myself to pain and physical exertion in order to be deemed beautiful. My self worth is predicated on my appearance. My waist needs to be a certain measurement, my arms need to be toned in a certain way, and my cheeks must be small and insignificant.
Unless I live up to or embody the standards I have for myself, I am a failure and I am shameful of myself. I literally cannot look people in the eye, let alone look up at people, when I am feeling insecure. Don't look at me, don't acknowledge me, don't stare at me. I am not worthy of your time or attention.