Being back in Hong Kong on the one year anniversary of the worst period of my life is confusing to say the least. On one hand, I am astounded to see how much I've grown since last Christmas and on the other hand, I can still feel remnants of the painful emotions I have lived through for the entirety of my life.
Seeing where I am now in my recovery, any normal person would feel proud and accomplished. But the small part of me that still wants to be physically and mentally sick is still present. Being where I am today, I look back on my life and can see how all of my actions and thoughts were clouded by my self-hatred and shame. My entire experience when I was in Hong Kong last was lived through guilt and shame -- for my past mistakes and actions. My entire experience last Christmas in Norway was plagued by anxiety, pain, and fear. For the first time in my life, I feel a sense of peace with where I am and who I am. I feel a sense of trust that my body knows whats best for it, and I feel a sense of warmth stemming from my ever-growing self love.
When I look back at all my broken relationships, I can clearly see how I reflected my guilt onto myself and my body in the form of abuse and suffering. I internalized my pain that others inflicted on me, or that I inflicted on others. Seeing how I acted in this way is painful. I almost relive the pain I experienced, and I understand why I acted in the way that I did.
More than ever before, I feel a sense of peace. I feel more at peace with who I am, what I look like, how I influence others, and how I want to influence others.
My sense of purpose trumps my desire for wanting to control my appearance, and it fuels my recovery.