A recurring theme that's been coming up in my life is identifying and standing by my truth. That's an extremely broad statement, and for good reason. I have many truths. I have beliefs about my self worth, my passions, relationships, mindfulness, nutrition, among many other things. Through my struggles and my fighting, I am identifying these truths, and am learning to stand by them and to live my life through them.
I have always been a people pleaser. Like many, I have always been willing to bend over backwards to support others, help others, or be there for others even when I didn't have the room to even do that for myself. I put everyone above myself. Everyone's needs, wants, desires, ideas about me - everything, above my own. As a result of this, I've lived my life in the shadow of others. My life was shaped by "should's" and "would's" and I never even gave myself a minute to think about my own "want's." I lived my life for other people, and my understanding of friendships was not only setting myself up for exhaustion but also disappointment.
I believed that everyone was my priority, and it was my job to let them know that regularly. This belief fueled my desire to constantly reach out to others, make time for others, or cater to others, even when I wasn't even taking care of myself. It sounds like a recipe for disaster right? And it was. I was constantly exhausted. I was living every day as just that, another day in my life. I wasn't truly living my life.
In the same way that I had these extraordinarily high expectations for myself in understanding my role in friendships, I subconsciously reflected these expectations onto those around me. Instead of being a good thing, having equally high expectations for my friends to make me feel prioritized, cared about, and loved 24/7 only set myself up for constant disappointment and sadness. If someone didn't reach out to me, or didn't make an effort to see me in the same way that I would for them, I would appraise it as their lack of caring for me. I constantly felt alone and forgotten. I never felt like anyone loved me, cared about my pain, or saw me. It made me want to shrink up and take up as little space as possible.
I now know that relationships don't work in that way. People, and friendships, are meant to be enjoyed as an additional part to my life. They are only alive and growing if they are not controlled and managed. Relationships grow and shift with time, and to resist that is to resist life and subject myself to pain and sadness.
In the same way that not everyone is my priority, I have learned that I am not everyone else's priority, nor would I want to be. That sounds exhausting, painful, and fake.
I am learning how to let go of these false beliefs or misconceptions I have about friendships or life, and am opening myself up to embrace the uncertainty that comes with life's challenges.
At the end of the day, I am learning how to enjoy my own company. I am learning how to identify my truths and live through them. This way, I am less impressionable by other people's thoughts and opinions, and can be secure in my own. This way, I don't live my life based on what other people think or say about me, hell, it doesn't even matter what they are saying or thinking. This is my life, these are my truths, and I am going to live my life through them.