In Awe Of Where I Am
Updated: Apr 1, 2020
When I look at where I am in life, I am in awe.
I am grateful to be where I am today. I am grateful to be surrounded by all my loved ones.
One year ago, I couldn't imagine a day where I didn't sweat and exercise profusely.
One year ago, I couldn't imagine eating more than 1 or 2 meals a day.
One year ago, a casual drink at the end of the night was unthinkable.
One year ago, snacking was off-limits.
One year ago, I didn't want to be seen.
One year ago, I couldn't walk into a restaurant and spontaneously choose what I wanted to eat.
One year ago, I couldn't eat without guilt.
One year ago, I was driven by anxiety and fear.
One year ago, my life was made up of numbers and equations.
One year ago, I couldn't be spontaneous. Everything had to be planned out.
One year ago, all I wanted to do was hide my body, myself.
To see where I am today versus where I was a year ago is shocking. I feel like a completely new person. I have spent so long, investing all of my time and energy, working on bettering myself. There was no switch that went off telling me I had recovered, that my hell was over. The transition was seamless and undetectable. The thousands of decisions I had to make in favor of my recovery brought me to where I am today.
I deserve to be here.
I fought to be here.
I grew through this experience.
I connected with others through this experience.
I still look back on the crippling anxiety, the shaking fear, the overwhelming guilt and shame.. for just.. living. My heart breaks for my past self. My heart breaks even more knowing that I am not alone in my experience, and that there are millions of others feeling the same way I did before, now.
I hope you know you're not alone. All those recovery stories you hear, of people telling you "how happy they are and how they got to recovery." Seems overly optimistic and insensitive.
But I promise you, the more time you spend looking inwards, the more time you spend experiencing discomfort and working on yourself. That shit will pay off.
I deserve to be where I am today.
You can too.